It was an awful night... well, maybe just the last half hour.
It started out great.
I went to a Kelly's house to celebrate her turning 29 (for the first time). It was a great bunch of ladies gabbing over desserts. Sidenote: All ladies know it is important to feed the sweet tooth and the soul at the same time...that way the calories don't count! We stayed for hours enjoying sweets which I was washing down with copious amounts of water (this factoid will become significant in a moment).
It wasn't until I had dropped my friend Kim back off at her frat house (that makes me laugh!), made it all the way to my apartment and began searching for my house keys that I realized... I took a coat to Kelly's house. That I don't have with me now. And, my house keys were in the pocket. Doh! At this point I also really needed to pee. I began desperately dialing while driving to the Safeway (grocery store)... the nearest place with a bathroom (that did not require my missing keys) and which was still open after midnight.
I called Kelly (the hostess) first. Cell phone off. I called Trina. She answered and was still at Kelly's, but my keys were not! The ladies who were there after me thought my coat belonged to someone else and Katherine had offered to return it so they sent it with her. I didn't have Katherine's number so Trina and Kelly found it. I hopped out of my car at a stop sign and rummaged in the back seat for the only spare pen I keep in the car. I called Katherine. Voicemail. Doh (again)! I leave a message. I am already at the Safeway so I figure I will solve at least one issue and find myself a bathroom. The store is open (until 1am). It is now about 12:30. However, the bathroom is locked after midnight.(Doh!) Then, things look up. Katherine calls me back. She confirms that she has my keys and gives me a house number and a street name so I can come pick them up.
Here's where the confusion begins. You need to know two things: 1) I thought Katherine lived in Philomath, And, 2) I use GPS to get everywhere (except from my house to work in the morning) because I find Oregon a very confusing place to drive. So, I put her address into GPS as a Philomath address. GPS says "Not found". Katherine calls me and gives me directions. Turn right on 35th St and turn past the school. Sounds good. So I begin to head for 35th Street. I just don't know yet I am in the wrong town.
While I am on the phone (illegal in Oregon, by the way), I look up and I am at 19th Street. I missed 35th. (Doh!) So, I make the next turn and circle the block so I can head back the way I came. When I get back to the correct street where I need to turn left, there is a sign "No left turn". So, I turn right and make it to the next light. I make a U-turn and begin looking for 35th Street again.
And this is when the blue lights appeared. Although there was NOT a sign saying you could NOT make a U-Turn, I am informed by handsome cop who has pulled me over that if I "do not have 500 feet of visual clearance, U-turns are not permitted". Who knows that?! Seriously?
He then proceeds to ask all the questions you would of someone driving like an idiot after midnight. What have I been doing this evening? Have I had anything to drink? I proceeded to give him the whole, unadulterated truth (even the part about having to pee so badly that my eyeballs are now floating). But, I do not cry. I refuse to cry to get out of a ticket. If he thinks I deserve a ticket, he should give me one. I am not sure he was buying my crazy story until he saw the GPS on the dash which says "not found" on a big black screen. Then his eyes darted to my list of phone numbers and street numbers hurriedly scribbled on the back of a paper bag. Finally, he listens to Katherine's voicemail. His response went something like "Knollbrook is not in Philomath, it's in Corvallis. That is why GPS wouldn't find it." Doh!
Handsome cop tells me to calm down, drive like I have some sense, and enjoy my night. He also informs me that I was guilty of committing "multiple infractions" but is nice enough to not even issue a warning. In that moment, I didn't so much care because I knew how to find Katherine and get the keys to my house, and more importantly, my bathroom. It is 1:25am now... and all is well.
Someday I will look back at this and laugh. Today is not that day.